I thought I knew
by Kerrfrano
Summary: Brian is finally putting his heart on the line. Will Justin say yes after everything they have gone through? A belated Birthday fiction for Nisa Cullen by Kerrfrano and Mynameisserendipity


**AN: **

_**HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SWEET NISA!**_

_Mynameisserendipity and I plotted this little QAF fiction for you, hoping that some Justin and Brian love would make your birthday extra special. Of course, we completely missed the deadline.. *hide being couch*_

_We love you and are so proud to call you our friend. Thank you for being so supportive of our writing and giving us so many incredible advises! You are a precious little treasure!_

_Tacklehugs and French kisses to Dtav for pre-reading and betaing this story for us! _

_Brian was written by me and Justin by mynameisserendipity._

_**Warnings**__: Boy love and lemons and slashy nudity._

_**Disclaimer**__: No profit was made from the writing of this story. All creative rights to the characters and recognizable elements belong to their original creator(s) and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

**Justin POV**

I am drawing him. Again.

Brian is in my mind all the fucking time lately and it's not even for a sexual fantasy.

I just feel like it's time to make decisions about my life, painful decisions. Decisions that will break my heart but might be the wisest choices for my future. Maybe. Hopefully.

I don't know.

He wants me to be the best homosexual ever, to fight for my dreams, to achieve them. Well, one of them is to settle down and be in a serious relationship based on trust, love and, most importantly, commitment. I don't want an unconventional, undefined relationship any more. I can't stand it actually. I need definition, I long for conventional, and I yearn for commitment.

In all fairness, I am not sure I would ever find a more trusting man. Brian has always been there for me, supporting me and caring for me, even if it was in his own particular way - one that could make you feel as if you were the most important person in the whole world or the biggest piece of shit ever. Ask Mikey, he knows all about how Brian's love can be two sided.

Loving him is a curse and a blessing.

And, I love him. Fuck, how much I love him! I admire his self-made man confidence, his fuck them all attitude. It depends on what subject, though. Strangely enough, this attitude of his doesn't include relationships.

Brian Kinney is a slave to his own image, unable to extend beyond the limits of his own legend from fear of losing it all. He cares about what the other homosexuals think of him. In "fuck them all", "them" refers to breeders, not gays, not at all. Otherwise, he wouldn't be so scared to love me publicly. He wouldn't care to show I was his one and only. His true challenge is to want more than his popularity, more love, more trust, more abandonment to another man. He's afraid to let him in and feel secure enough to be proud of it, a new kind of coming out, and one that he isn't ready to make.

How long should I wait for him to say "I love you"? Will he even say it at all? Can I live with a man who isn't brave enough to tell me that? Would that really make me the best homosexual ever to even accept it?

Am I supposed to leave him again for him to react? Should I face a near-death experience for him to have some balls and tell me how he fucking feels?

I'm angry. Frustrated.

I'm probably about to make the worst decision ever for the two of us, and I am not even sure we are an "us".

I'm so fucking lost.

**Brian POV **

Looking over at Justin while he works feverishly on his latest sketch, I watch the light bounce off his blond hair. One of my favourite things, although if anyone asked I will deny it, is spending this quiet time with Sunshine while he is busy drawing. It still amazes me how much Justin has regained most of his fine motor skills after the bashing. Even I have wondered, at times, if there was any hope of Justin fulfilling his dreams of becoming an artist.

I am beyond proud of my partner. Yes, in my mind Justin was my partner, now and always. Justin has wormed his way into my heart, slowly thawing it. If it wasn't for my stubbornness, my rules and yes, I will admit it even it I hide it well, fear, I might have been able to tell Justin the words I know he is longing to hear. I love him with everything that I am, but I am shit scared to let anyone have some sort of control over my life.

Growing up in the Kinney household, love was something you read about in romance books or children's fairy tales. Love was something I had grown up believing was for heteros, other than my parents, or for dykes. When I met Justin, I was all for the maximum pleasure, minimum fuss when it came to sexual release. Seeing the blond under the streetlight that fateful night was the beginning of the end for the legend of Liberty Ave.

Back at the beginning, I had fought the inevitable tooth and nail. That night at Woody's when Deb had told me that she knew that I loved Justin, I hadn't denied it. It had been the first time I had actually considered that the idea might be true, and that had scared me more than anything else I had ever gone through.

Justin raises his head and gives me a soft, shy sunshine smile. My heart skips a beat, just like every other time Justin gives me that particular smile. The feelings that course through my body every time I share a moment like this with my beautiful, blond haired man, is better than any drug that Anita had ever supplied me with. The rush, the intensity, the heat, the love that comes from that one man makes me feel all empowered and invincible.

**Justin POV**

Generally when I am about to make a huge decision in my life, Brian feels it and does something unexpected to push me off Mount Kinney. Most of the time it is something drastic, like sleeping with his Rage counterpart at the launch party of my comic book. He tries to make the decision for me, making it easier somehow. He knows I will feel guilty and will delay the inevitable time and time again, unable to choose what is best for me, especially when it comes to him.

But this time, he is acting strangely. I am almost waiting for him to do something big and out and unforgivable, but no. He looks at me and smiles, his eyes full of … tenderness? I smile back, taking in this look and trying to get all the little details that make it so special. I want to be able to render it in my drawing.

He has been looking at me this way for sometime now, generally coming closer to me and holding me tight for a few minutes before kissing me senseless and fucking me very slowly. Now that I think about it, he seems to always want to touch me lately, playing with my fingers, the hair on the nape of my neck, yanking me backwards against him at Babylon while drinking a beer. And he kisses me a lot more too, but somehow he does it differently. They are barely there, soft brushes on my skin, sweet caresses around my neck or on my lips. His kisses are almost reverent, until his tongue replaces his lips and they become all consuming.

**Brian POV**

I need to find a way to tell Justin how I feel, what I want. My tricking has become nonexistent over the last few months. Slowly, I have been removing myself from other men. Justin is the only man I want or need in my life. He is everything I have ever wanted but was too scared to allow myself to believe I deserved.

Feeling an overwhelming desire to touch and kiss him, I walk over to where he sits on the sofa. I remove the sketchbook from his hands, and place it on the coffee table. He looks at me, the expression in his eyes is mixed, there is hope and doubt. God I hate it when there is doubt in his eyes, because I know it is me that has put it there for some reason.

Turning him until he sits properly on the sofa, I straddle his legs and place my hands on either side of his face. Staring into his eyes, I drop my ever-present mask of indifference to let Justin see the truth, the immense love, passion and hope I have for him.

He gasps quietly, so I can only assume that he sees what I want him to see. I lean down and slowly press my lips to his, and they are soft and warm. Justin opens his mouth a little and all my thoughts disappear. My tongue seeks out his, his breath mingles with mine and his taste ignites my addiction once again. He is better than anything Anita could have given me. Justin gives me highs that leave me breathless and euphoric. In those times when I had pushed him away, it had been like going through withdrawal from the world's most powerful drug, cold turkey.

My hands leave his face and travel down his body, feeling his body heat radiate through his clothing. I need more so as I reach the bottom of his shirt, I lift it up and off him. Justin shivers lightly as I run my hand down his chest, grazing his nipples as I move down to his stomach.

**Justin POV**

Fuck! What is he doing to me?

I can't stop shivering, feeling him all over me, his lips on my neck, his tongue on my nipple, his hands opening my pants and reaching for my cock.

He is watching me, his eyes conveying so much emotion, that he has me breathless even before touching me. His hands brush my shaft, teasing me, tormenting me, and I close my eyes before begging him to take me now.

How will I ever be able to let this go? Why should he only show me his love when we are intimate? We have been fucking less and less and making love more and more often, but I am not sure he realises it. Or does he? Is he trying to tell me something with his body because his brain refuses to voice it out? Am I supposed to deduce something, to keep hoping because of all these moments of pure bliss?

"Brian... Please..."

I am not sure what I am asking for. Is it for him to fuck me? Or to finally say that he loves me? I just need him do something to prove to me that I have a reason to stay.

**Brian POV**

Hearing Justin moan my name, almost begging me, made my cock twitch and harden even more. He felt so good under me, grinding his hips against me. I love that I can get him like this. It has never been like this for me. In the beginning it frightened me so much that an inexperienced teenager could give me more pleasure than all the men I had fucked put together.

Looking into Justin's eyes, his pupils were dilated and his lids half closed. I move my hand up and down his hard cock, feeling it twitch. Hearing his moans makes my own cock harden even more, causing it to press harder against my zipper. It was then that I realized the little shit had been going commando all day. If I had known, we would have been in bed hours ago.

Moving off the sofa, I take off my black wife beater, dropping it to the floor. I smirk as I look back up at him, and see his eyes moving all over my chest and stomach. Slowly, I open the button on my black pants and I rip the zipper down in my eagerness to get them off me. Pushing the pants over my hips, I let them fall to the floor. Stepping out of them, I kneel in between Justin's legs, grab the top of his jeans and he lifts his hips for me to remove them.

Grabbing the lube from under the cushion, I place it beside me on the floor. All thoughts disappeared from my mind when I saw his cock hard, throbbing and dripping pre-cum. I need to taste his essence on my tongue, as there was nothing like it in the world.

I groan as I take him in my mouth. His hips lift up, pushing his cock further into my warm mouth. His cock is perfect, well not as perfect as mine. It is eight inches of hard, thick, throbbing meat that belongs to the man who rocks my world every day.

It is the cock that I want inside me right now.

Shit! Where did that thought come from? But I can't deny that having him inside me is truly what I want.

I pick up the lube that is beside me, put some on my fingers and reach back to prepare myself. All the while I'm hoping that Justin doesn't notice what I am doing.

**Justin POV**

Where the hell did he learn to suck cock like this? He is always on the receiving end and rarely ever gives them. Well not publicly anyway. In the backroom of Babylon, he has his reputation of being a big top to protect. But in the privacy of his loft, he doesn't mind getting down and dirty, sucking, licking, rimming...That doesn't mean that it happens very often though.

I'm sucked deeply into his throat, and he swallows before humming on me. I gasp and moan, burying my hand in his hair while I grab the sofa for dear life with the other. My cock is throbbing and my heart is about to explode. This is the ride of my life. Brian uses all the tricks he knows to bring me to the edge, even watching me and smirking around my cock. The visual is just too much for me and I end up pulling my own hair and closing my eyes super tight to not come. I am desperately trying to think of dying puppies and naked woman to prevent the inevitable. There is just no fucking way this is going to finish that quickly.

But the horrible images don't stick and my thoughts are more and more full of his warmth, his wetness, and his skillful tongue... He is lapping me before taking me all in again, taking his sweet time to savour me before speeding up and bringing me dangerously close to my release.

Fuck! Nothing is better than this. Except maybe fucking him, sinking deep inside him, watching his perfect ass pushing back, my hand on his hips, and him begging me to fuck him.

Shit... coming...

**Brian POV**

His sweet, salty and warm cum hits the back of my throat. After swallowing, I leave a small bubble of cum on the tip of his cock. Running the tip of my finger through the droplet, I collect it and then wipe it gently on his lower lip. Seeing his lip glisten while covered in cum, I am unable to resist so I run my tongue over his lower lip before I devour his mouth with my own, allowing him to taste himself.

"Nothing tastes better than you, Sunshine."

Getting up off the floor, I make myself comfortable, once again, in Justin's lap. Pushing my fingers through his hair I grasp it and drag his mouth back to mine.

I want this boy, so much. He has me so hot and bothered, I can't seem to stop myself from lightly grinding my ass against his thighs. The whole time I'm hoping that he doesn't detect the lube around my hole. I feel Justin's cock hardening again. Got to love his quick recovery time.

Our mouths are fused together as we fight for dominance and our explosion of passion for each other. My need to be even more connected with my Sunshine is starting to over power almost everything else. Begrudgingly, I tear my mouth away from his.

We both groan at the loss.

**Justin POV**

What the hell is happening to Brian? He is telling me the cheesiest line ever and then kissing me senseless while grinding his ass against my lap. If he doesn't stop that pretty quickly I am going to push him over the sofa and fuck him.

Not that he will ever let me do that, but GOD, it feels so fucking good.

He takes my leaking cock in his hand and gathers some of the pre-cum that has bubbled out before devouring me again. His tongue is swirling in my mouth, invading, omnipresent, tasting of him and me. I wish it could always be like this. I want it to always be like this.

Holding him tightly, I kiss him back as fervently as I can. I hope he can feel my love, my desperation, and my fear of the future. I wish he could be telepathic and just understand me without words. He hates speaking about feelings but he loves sensations. So maybe if I pour all my uncertainties and needs in these kisses, he will finally get it.

_Love me more. Make me truly yours. Be proud of us. Please..._

**Brian POV**

Resting my forehead on his shoulder, I lower my eyes and gaze upon his stiff, leaking cock. I take it in my hand and gather some of the pre-cum that has bubbled out.

My boy moans, his hands make their way into my hair moving my face back towards his. His mouth possesses mine, our tongues dueling.

I wrap one hand in his blond locks, my other one clicks open the lube cap and I squirt some on my palm. Wrapping my fist around his cock, I slowly coat him in a mixture of his pre-cum and lube.

With his cock in my hand, I slowly rise and move so that I can take Justin inside me. I feel the head brush against my hole and I shiver in eagerness of what is about to happen.

Justin starts to pull his mouth away but I dig my fingers deeper into his hair and drag his lips back to mine.

The head of Justin's beautiful cock slips through the ring of muscle, and the burn as he stretches me is delicious. I finally release Justin's mouth as my breathing becomes difficult with all the sensations going through me.

Feeling the veins throb as the blood rushes to his engorged cock, I savor the heat of his naked member slowly making its way inside me as I lower myself down until my ass is resting against his thighs.

Knowing that Justin is inside me raw and that he will be the only man to ever do so has me so horny that I am afraid to move for a few moments in case I cum like an inexperienced school boy.

"Brian?" Justin's voice breaks through. " Brian you have to stop."

Shaking my head, I rise up slowly and lower myself down a little faster. Justin grabs my hips and tries to stop my movements.

"Brian... Stop."

I sigh and stop moving with his cock buried deep inside me. Looking up, I stare into his eyes, lifting an eyebrow as if asking a question.

It seems Justin is having trouble concentrating; I clench my muscles quickly around his cock. I love watching him throw his head back with pleasure, exposing his neck which I quickly lick, bite and kiss.

"Brian, stop for a second, please," Justin is begging me now.

"Why Sunshine? What's wrong?" I ask as I move my hips in a gentle circular movement.

"Oh God!" he moans. "Nothing is wrong, I just want to know why?"

"Why what?" I ask while trying to look innocent.

"No condom. After all these years … Fuck... You say always …. always use protection..." Justin bucks his hips a little, driving himself slightly deeper inside of me.

"God! Brian! So fucking amazing! Need to stop or I'm gonna shoot my load inside you."

"Have you ever thought that feeling your cum inside me might just be what I want?"

**Justin POV**

Is he fucking kidding me? Shit! I could kill him right now if it wasn't so fucking good. What in hell is in his mind? No condom? NO CONDOM? Seriously?

I place my hand more firmly on his hips in an attempt to lift him off my lap, but Brian grips his knees tighter to my thighs to prevent this from occurring.

I am fucked, I am so fucked. What is he trying to do? Scare me off by transmitting me a disease?

No, he wouldn't do that. He can be a complete asshole but he would never ever put me in danger. He wants me safe, I know that.

So why is he doing that? Did he stop tricking? Is he trying to tell me we are exclusive now? Why on earth can't he just voice his thoughts instead of putting my bare cock into him?

Oh My Fucking God! We are doing it raw. Like, actually, raw. There is nothing between him and me. Just his hot... so hot.. and so tight... He needs to stop clenching or I am going to cum. Shit! My cum all over him, inside him, dripping on his thighs.

It's heaven. It must be. I just died and now I am fucking Brian Kinney raw.

**Brian POV**

Justin stops moving and places his hands more firmly on my hips in an attempt to lift me off his lap. I grip my knees tighter to his thighs to prevent this from occurring.

Taking his hands off me, I link our fingers and raise them above Justin's head. I lean in to kiss him as I see that he is about to say something else and right now I don't want to talk. Now is the time for making love to my boy.

Justin pulls his head back, and his breath laboured. He looks at me, his eyes full of emotion. God, after all these years he is still an over emotional mess, but he is my emotional mess and I wouldn't have him any other way.

The love he has for me, that lights up his eyes, is still present and stronger than ever. Feeling everything like this with Justin could almost turn me into a bottom boy. He is the only one worthy of bottoming for, I have taught him well.

So engrossed in what I was feeling, I never noticed Justin moving us until I feel the couch against my back. He is taking control and I must admit I love it when he dominates our sex life. His thrusts become harder and deeper as he constantly hits my sweet spot.

The loft is full of moans, grunts and, not so whispered, sweet nothings.

So close, the sensation of having him inside me, my cock rubbing between us, our sweat as lubricant. I am ready to explode and he hasn't laid a hand on my cock.

"Justin," I whimper.

Our minds are in tune with one another as he leans down to kiss me. There is nothing sweet about this kiss; it is hot, hard, passionate and possessive. It is the complete opposite to the sweet tender, loving movements of our hips joined together.

His hands go to my hair, pulling my head back, exposing my neck. I feel his tongue making its way from my jaw to where my neck meets my shoulder. Justin thrusts hard into me and bites my neck at the same time. It is all too much and I scream as I cum all over my stomach and chest. Never have I cum this hard in my life, it doesn't seem to want to stop. I am still releasing stream after stream of cum as I feel Justin release his load inside me. Feeling his warm cum inside of me triggers another small orgasm and I release another load between us.

**Justin POV**

"Holy shit"

I collapse on top of Brian, gluing us together with his slowly cooling cum.

I feel boneless. My heart feels like I had just run a marathon; my cock is spent and smoothly cuddled in a wet cocoon of warmth. I am positively in Heaven.

I just don't care any more about anything. If he let me fuck him like that, and we keep on doing it raw, then I am keeping him. Who cares about love when you can have a raw Brian?

I am in Brian. My cock seems to be as disbelieving as me because it refuses to soften or leave the perfect shelter of his body.

My brain, though, is coming back to consciousness and is screaming at me to get dressed and TALK, like it is going to happen. We are post-coitus, after experiencing what has to rank as our best orgasm ever. I am not getting up and starting a conversation on why fucking raw was the worst idea ever when - not thirty minutes ago - I was considering leaving him.

Let's stay blissfully unconscious and savour this unique moment. We will talk later. Later I will ask him what the hell all of this was about and give him a piece of my mind. For now, all I want is to lick the sweat off his neck, the cum off his abs and the one dripping down his ass and maybe, who am I kidding definitely, begging for him to fuck me raw too.

Then, I will ask him questions. Now... no... I am not talking now.

**Brian POV**

I lift his head and look into his flushed face. Slowly I raise my head to kiss him, soft, sweet, languid kisses.

Overwhelmed with exhaustion, I drop my head back against the pillow of the couch. Justin follows me down and lays his head on my shoulder.

"Justin," I call his name to see if he is still coherent.

"Mmmmm."

"Sunshine," I call out this time.

He lifts his head to show me he is listening. His eyes and face show contentment and he looks like he could be asleep very quickly.

"Marry me?" I ask with a tremor in my voice.

Fuck! I was nervous and so unsure of myself which is definitely not something I am used to.

"Very funny Brian," Justin mumbles as he settles his head back on me.

With what little energy I have I turn us side ways, manoeuvring us so we didn't fall off the couch. I look into his serene face to see that his eyes are closed again, his lips bruised and slightly apart.

He must sense me looking at him for he opens his eyes. Justin smiles before snuggling closer to me. I pull back my head to continue looking at him.

"I'm serious," I tell him.

"Sure you are," Justin replies with a tone that shows he does not believe me.

I pull away from him, get up off the couch, and walk over to the fridge for some bottled water.

Isn't this what he wanted?

I know it must be a shock for him to hear me ask him that but his lack of response, whether it is going to be good or bad, hurts more than I ever would have realised.

Not sure what I should be thinking or feeling, I walk to the couch, hand Justin the second bottle I had retrieved and then I walk into the bedroom.

I thought I knew what his response would be, but it appears I know nothing.

- end chapter 1 -


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